Afterglow

It is a dangerous illusion
An immeasurable confusion
The lightness that comes after
I do it but I won't be a beggar
I don't need more
I need this to be the core
Of my every day
This peace that comes and make the days feel a little less grey

I know it will be over soon
And I'll be back in my madness
My routine of sadness
Because that's what I think is true

But it won't be for too long
I'll find a door to get going
Moving on to another state of mind and showing
That I can find ways to become strong

For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic
Sometimes I feel like I am a clock ticking
The bell rings and the day is over
Then the night comes and there's no more hope
No getting out, it seems

They say it's not a straight ride
That the paths are open wide
With crossroads and mountains
And ups and downs
And fears and scary sounds
Getting up and falling back to the ground

There's a door somewhere
In this hell and I know
That it may lead to another hell
I've got no choice but to try to tell
The voice that I have to go
And find other paths
Other place that is not that painful to stay in

The definition of insanity is
Doing the same thing
Over and over again
And expect shit to change
I know I'm not insane
Because I'm fighting it and
Changing the directions
But am I really?
How can I know I'm not repeating the methods and not keeping records of the things I go through?

I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.
Not today.
No, I am sane
Today I'm feeling that maybe
If I keep telling myself
That the night won't come
I can feel this way for a little longer that I think I would.

Rant

Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Sometimes I just want to go blind
Got lost in time
Lost in between the lines

I hate how sometimes I rhyme
And repeat words as if I
Don't know what or how to write
But then again, I'm no poet, never was

These poems are never good
But at least they are true
I'm feeling sick and blue
I can't seem to enjoy myself too

Ok, so I'll stop with the rhymes
I don't have to do it every time I write
But I just can't help it
Some times they just come naturally

And I lose track of the reason behind the writing
Maybe I'm just trying
To keep it busy, this mind of mine
Crazy as it sounds, I'm not feeling fine

Even when I'm with them
I don't feel like I did back then
GOD, LOOK AT THESE RHYMES
I FEEL LIKE I'M WRITING A POP SONG

Maybe it's the proof that I suck at writing
As well as I suck at living
That basically sums it up
I'm ranting about being alive, so original
I'm pathetic

I don't hate them, I love them
Maybe too much
I hate myself and the voice
And how it surrounds me
I feel ashamed of how weak I am

Too much expectations
For being a better person
Maybe I think that I'm bigger than I actually am
I'm just a basket case
Holding my heart like a hand grenade
Blackmailing everyone with my lack of faith
They don't deserve this shit.

Storm and Violence

The storm has passed
My mind is clearing up
The giant monster
Is no longer a threat

Not only to me but to anyone
At least for now
I'm feeling proud
Of mending my broken bones

It was violent but now I found
A clearing beneath the forest
And I'm setting camp until
I find the path, the best
One I can get.

It's not that I've stopped moving
It's that I'm not afraid anymore
Of the violent island in which my
Mind has shipwrecked.

The monster is now just a little
Demon in my shoulder and
I can not listen to it when I don't
Want to and this is fucking good

I can now see a light that is hope
And I can see what faith looks like
I can fix my heart with a knife
To prove that I am becoming strong

You are getting out of my mind
'Cause what you do is not right
And you get in the way between
Me and what I want to keep
So I can grow
My soul
And finally make it glow.

In Repair

I found my way. I found my hope. Everything is so
Brighter now than two days ago
I'm still a mess but I know
Where I think I'm supposed to go

The voice still screams
So loud and sometimes I can't
Find reason behind the pain
But my path is set for today

I'm letting myself go because
Life is still worth the while
I have my reasons to fight
This voice that wants me to die

After a lot of hurting
I am going
To stay awake so
I can think and knowing that
Tomorrow I'll be better

There's hope out the window
So I'll lead this flow
That is my feelings so I
Can make them be right

I'll be over you
But not forget the truth
And get used to
Seeing you live and do
What makes you feel like you

And being myself has
Another consequence that's
Knowing that the voice can't
Change who I truly am

For I am stronger
Bigger
Better
Than all of the shit right now
That wants to bring me down.

"I'm in repair.
I'm not together
But I'm getting there".

Anxiety

That's what I've been feeling
Lately, mostly I'm dreaming
In broad daylight and overthinking
My head goes up to the ceiling

Shit, it's 4a.m.
And here we are again
With a pen
Trying to make amend
With the thoughts in my brain

I'm glad it's not hurting that bad
I think I'm staying clear of that
Path in which I fell down
And I'm finding strength to lift myself up from the ground

The problem is still that rivalry
But it no longer bring me to my knees
It just keeps
Fucking up my sleep
But that's fine by me

Because I'm thinking
And writing and fighting
I won't say a thing
I'll just think
And try to make the pain
Become a friend
So I can feel good again

Girls always make a fool out of me
But I'm not changing myself
I'll wrap myself to a tree
But not hang and break my neck
I'll just figure out
That my mind is mine to take

I have faith. And to have faith is to be awake. The rest you already know.

Routine

Everyday is the same shit
Wake up, grab a cup of coffee and sit
In the balcony for a cigarette
And start trying my best
To calm my mind
Think and write
Get a grip and remember
How to not surrender
To the confusion and madness
That reigns and the sadness
Comes without a reason
I think about treason
But it's not treason
I think about it and there's no pleasing
To the voice sometimes
I gotta take my thoughts
And own them, right?
It is violent occasionally
It is reminding me constantly
That I am crazy
But I know I'm not crazy
I'm just sick
Sick and tired of this shit
Called life and pissed
That it doesn't always goes like
I wish it would but I'll get by
Until it's calm and try
Again every morning
To silence the yelling
 And to put it on a paper
So I can figure out I'm the owner
Of myself and be colder
And a reasonable person
More like a bluff
I feel like I'm playing poker
With the voice and I'm going
All in with the rest of almost nothing
What I feel is left of my sanity
And not let it get ahead of me.