Fear

It always starts like this
I smash my brain into the wall
I bite my lips until the darkness falls
And then I beg on my knees

I try to think of what I've become
Where my happiness might have gone
Is there reason behind this?
Is there ground below my feet?

Am I the center of my dreams?
What is that face that I see
Every time I try to sleep
It is hiding behind my eyelids.

Picking a fight with myself
Oh, why is it so hard?
Don't give up
Don't surrender to the pain
Loneliness is inside my brain
I have 99 reasons to be afraid

That's what it has come to
Cigarettes, coffee and torture
There's no one around
And the bites grow stronger
The blood gets colder
I can't feel my hands as I'm writing
I can't make things happen
Not by myself.

I don't deserve what I get
So I make myself feel bad
About love and pride
But I can't say goodbye
To my selfish mind.

Savior

I have to stay awake
Because my head wants me to
It's just a game we play
Not like I give a fuck too
I'm creating yet again
A plot for the train
To get off the tracks
I feel the pain
I feel sanity slipping away

Every time I think it's over
I find myself way over
My own head
Make
It
Stop.

Better off dead?
Maybe so
Thoughts misled
Lack of air inside my chest
What a mess
I want to get out.

I'll stick my agony inside your eyes
And watch as you bleed to death
Is this the best you can do?
Game over
I'm getting closer
To the light

I have guns
And I have fists
I'll show you how it's done
So, please
Embrace me as your misery
As the pain that you savor
As the core of your endeavor
As your only true savior.

Nobody thinks

Nobody thinks what I think
Maybe what it means
Is that I am a prick
With a screwed up mind
Chained to time
But it moves on and I'm left behind

Nobody says what they want
And maybe that's just what they want
Not to speak
Their mind and maybe I need
to stop thinking about it
But as long as it affects me I can't stop it

Nobody cares about what I feel
But then again, what do I feel?
Why do I feel?
I know it's hard but try
To ask how I get by
This life 'cause it's tough

Nobody knows who I am
Not even I know. Who am I?
Love me or don't
I'm only a time bomb
Set the timer to thirteen
And let it tick until the battlefield is clean

Nobody is alive.
In my mind there are times
Like theses in which I can't fight
I can't see outside
I only know what I'm feeling
Deep inside my bones
The sand in its core is falling
The bottom feels heavier than the top
Of this hourglass I call myself.

Nobody would guess
That jealousy gets the best of me
or that I am stressed
About little things that surround me
I love a lot, but loving to you
Is not what loving is to me.

I'm here listening to a kitchen sink dripping
And you can't understand.
Because a Kitchen Sink to you
Is not a Kitchen Sink to me, ok, friend?

Afterglow

It is a dangerous illusion
An immeasurable confusion
The lightness that comes after
I do it but I won't be a beggar
I don't need more
I need this to be the core
Of my every day
This peace that comes and make the days feel a little less grey

I know it will be over soon
And I'll be back in my madness
My routine of sadness
Because that's what I think is true

But it won't be for too long
I'll find a door to get going
Moving on to another state of mind and showing
That I can find ways to become strong

For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic
Sometimes I feel like I am a clock ticking
The bell rings and the day is over
Then the night comes and there's no more hope
No getting out, it seems

They say it's not a straight ride
That the paths are open wide
With crossroads and mountains
And ups and downs
And fears and scary sounds
Getting up and falling back to the ground

There's a door somewhere
In this hell and I know
That it may lead to another hell
I've got no choice but to try to tell
The voice that I have to go
And find other paths
Other place that is not that painful to stay in

The definition of insanity is
Doing the same thing
Over and over again
And expect shit to change
I know I'm not insane
Because I'm fighting it and
Changing the directions
But am I really?
How can I know I'm not repeating the methods and not keeping records of the things I go through?

I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.
Not today.
No, I am sane
Today I'm feeling that maybe
If I keep telling myself
That the night won't come
I can feel this way for a little longer that I think I would.

Rant

Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Sometimes I just want to go blind
Got lost in time
Lost in between the lines

I hate how sometimes I rhyme
And repeat words as if I
Don't know what or how to write
But then again, I'm no poet, never was

These poems are never good
But at least they are true
I'm feeling sick and blue
I can't seem to enjoy myself too

Ok, so I'll stop with the rhymes
I don't have to do it every time I write
But I just can't help it
Some times they just come naturally

And I lose track of the reason behind the writing
Maybe I'm just trying
To keep it busy, this mind of mine
Crazy as it sounds, I'm not feeling fine

Even when I'm with them
I don't feel like I did back then
GOD, LOOK AT THESE RHYMES
I FEEL LIKE I'M WRITING A POP SONG

Maybe it's the proof that I suck at writing
As well as I suck at living
That basically sums it up
I'm ranting about being alive, so original
I'm pathetic

I don't hate them, I love them
Maybe too much
I hate myself and the voice
And how it surrounds me
I feel ashamed of how weak I am

Too much expectations
For being a better person
Maybe I think that I'm bigger than I actually am
I'm just a basket case
Holding my heart like a hand grenade
Blackmailing everyone with my lack of faith
They don't deserve this shit.

Storm and Violence

The storm has passed
My mind is clearing up
The giant monster
Is no longer a threat

Not only to me but to anyone
At least for now
I'm feeling proud
Of mending my broken bones

It was violent but now I found
A clearing beneath the forest
And I'm setting camp until
I find the path, the best
One I can get.

It's not that I've stopped moving
It's that I'm not afraid anymore
Of the violent island in which my
Mind has shipwrecked.

The monster is now just a little
Demon in my shoulder and
I can not listen to it when I don't
Want to and this is fucking good

I can now see a light that is hope
And I can see what faith looks like
I can fix my heart with a knife
To prove that I am becoming strong

You are getting out of my mind
'Cause what you do is not right
And you get in the way between
Me and what I want to keep
So I can grow
My soul
And finally make it glow.

In Repair

I found my way. I found my hope. Everything is so
Brighter now than two days ago
I'm still a mess but I know
Where I think I'm supposed to go

The voice still screams
So loud and sometimes I can't
Find reason behind the pain
But my path is set for today

I'm letting myself go because
Life is still worth the while
I have my reasons to fight
This voice that wants me to die

After a lot of hurting
I am going
To stay awake so
I can think and knowing that
Tomorrow I'll be better

There's hope out the window
So I'll lead this flow
That is my feelings so I
Can make them be right

I'll be over you
But not forget the truth
And get used to
Seeing you live and do
What makes you feel like you

And being myself has
Another consequence that's
Knowing that the voice can't
Change who I truly am

For I am stronger
Bigger
Better
Than all of the shit right now
That wants to bring me down.

"I'm in repair.
I'm not together
But I'm getting there".